


Not Always Playing

by Aurya



Category: Sword Art Online
Genre: Gen, Inspired by Not Always Right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-10-11 23:04:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10476549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurya/pseuds/Aurya
Summary: A series of scenarios experienced by various players of various VRMMORPGs, relayed in the style of Not Always Right.





	1. Bleating About Beaters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Traders | Taft, SAO | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Awesome Customers

_(I run a simple shop to sell monster drops to less-lucky players. Almost immediately after I come in from a lunch break, an unfamiliar player arrives wearing the outfit of the Liberation Army and an expression that tells me he has had a lot of bad luck with his hunting.)_

**Me:** Hi! What can I get for you?

 **Army Player:** Do you have any [item]?

_(The item is a drop I know I've had before, but I've had a very successful day and I don't know if I still have any)_

**Me:** I think so, just let me check.

_(As I open up my inventory, another player comes in - a regular who often stops by for cooking drops. On seeing that I'm busy with a customer, she makes her way to a small display where I'm showing off some of my more aesthetic items. After a while, I find the item the Army Player is looking for, and I look up from my menu to see he's looking towards the regular.)_

**Me:** I've got a few [item]. How many did you need?

 **Army Player** :  _(distractedly)_ Uh, just the one will be fine.

 **Me:** Is something wrong?

_(the Army Player turns and leans in close to me)_

**Army Player:** Do you know that girl?

 **Me:** She's bought a few things before, but I've never partied with her. Why?

 **Army Player:** _(whispering)_  I think she's a beater.

 **Me:**   _(firmly)_  That is uncalled for.

 **Army Player:** No, look at her. She looks way too confident. She's totally a beater.

_(I glance towards the regular, who has noticed our conversation. She's a somewhat younger player, equipped with a two-handed sword and several throwing darts, but nothing that you couldn't find an NPC selling on the floors we can get at. Before I can say anything more, the Army Player starts walking towards the regular.)_

**Regular:** Can I help you?

 **Army Player:** Are you a beater?

 **Regular:**   _(surprised)_  You can do that in SAO?

_(The Army Player turns redder than HP damage and runs out the door. I am collapsed over the counter laughing as the regular comes up.)_


	2. How D'ya Like them Oranges?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Restaurant | Granzam, SAO | Criminal & Illegal, Awesome Customers

_(I've recently started a minor business near the headquarters for the Knights of the Blood Oath, selling custom meals for players who are sick of the bland food sold by NPCs. A few of the Knights are regular customers (if you can be considered a regular of a business that's been open for a week), which has deterred some of the more hateful players. This takes place while the guild is preparing for a boss raid, which SOME players thought would make it a good time to harass the storeowner.)_

**Customer:**  What the f*** are you doing, charging [price] for a sandwich!?

 **Me:** I've been very careful with my pricing, buddy. I've checked every ingredient with every broker I know. If you don't like this price, you can try and make it yourself.

 **Customer:** Well, h*** with that! I shouldn't have to pay [price] just to get a freakin' meal!

 **Me:** Then there's a very good NPC restaurant on floor 20.

_(As the customer continues bickering, a player I hadn't noticed come in taps him on the shoulder. The customer whirls around.)_

**Customer:** What the h*** do you wa-

_(He falls quiet mid-sentence and stumbles against the counter. I start when I see the player marker of the guy who spoke to him is orange. There's another player, with a regular yellow marker, standing a good ten paces away from him.)_

**Orange Player:**  If you're not going to buy anything, I'm very hungry.

_(The rowdy customer mumbles a panicky apology and makes his way out the door. I open my menu and tap to my equipment screen as the yellow player approaches.)_

**Yellow Player:** He hit me in the leg while we were hunting. Our leader said it was gonna make the shopping harder. We're gonna have a good laugh when we get back to the inn.

_(I give a nervous laugh and let them buy their meals. They ended up regular customers until SAO got cleared - sure enough, the first guy's marker was yellow again before the end of the month!)_


	3. Not All the Single Fairies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Relationships | Arun, ALO | Rude & Risque, Bad Behavior

_(This takes place during the period between the end of SAO and the release of the 'Seed' program. My avatar is a Cait Sith, and me and some friends are getting in a little late-night gaming. Our party consists of me, three females, and one other male. I am often mistaken for a female due to the appearance of my avatar and my high voice, but it is a male avatar. We have just made it to Arun and are looking for an inn when we are approached by three male Undine players.)_

**Undine #1:**  Hey, look at the little kitties!

**F Friend #1:** Excuse me?

**Undine #2:** Ignore him. He's a cat owner IRL. He's always gushing over Cait Siths.

**M Friend:** If you like cats so much, why didn't you make a Cait when you logged in?

**Undine #1:**  I heard Undines were healing specialists. The number of times I've remembered to heal in an RPG, I can count on one hand.

**M Friend:** Any RPG? Not just VRMMOs?

_(He and my M Friend continue talking about RGPs while me and the rest of the party are talking with the other two.)_

**F Friend #2:** You guys aren't here for the World Tree, are you?

**Undine #3:** Not even a little bit. You guys?

**Me:** We heard you can exit without clearing the quest. Figured it might be good for some stat grinding. I'm in desperate need of some magic numbers.

**Undine #2:** _(sultry voice)_ Oh, I know a few magic numbers we can work through.

_(Me and the girls laugh, but the Undines don't join in)_

**F Friend #1:**  Seriously though, we're looking for an inn. You know any cheap places? We're trying to save up.

**Undine #2:**  I don't do a lot of inn-staying. I've got property just outside of town.

**F Friend #3:** What?! Where did you get the Yuld to buy a home near the World Tree?

_(Undine #2 starts to stay something, but I don't catch it because my AmuSphere gives me a notice; someone's trying to contact me IRL. I quickly make my way to a nearby bench.)_

**Me:** Hey, someone's talking to me. Watch my avatar?

**F Friend #1:** Yeah, no problem!

_(I log out briefly to find I had left my cell phone near my head when I logged in, and the battery's dying. I plug the charger into the wall somewhere it won't trigger the AmuSphere, then get myself comfortable again and log back in. My avatar isn't empty for a hundred seconds. Back in Arun, Undines #2 and #3 are gone, and my party is all looking annoyed. Undine #1 is still here, and looks like he's trying not to laugh.)_

**Me:** What happened?

**Undine #1:**  They asked if any of you guys were single. She  _(points to F Friend #2)_ said "His boyfriend" while you were logged out and I think they broke the sound barrier.

_(I wanted to be annoyed at the fact that they were looking for flings in ALO, but the mental image of the Undines' reactions to learning I'm a gay male had me laughing.)_


	4. Immortal Objectifying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Overhearing | Sylvain, ALO | Extra Stupid, Bad Behavior

_(Overheard in passing on my way to visit a friend)_

**Player 1:** That b**** didn't even look at me!

 **Player 2:** "That b****" was an NPC.


	5. Bows and Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Relationships | New Aincrad, ALO | Bigotry, Criminal & Illegal

_(Note: I am female, and a lesbian. Me (an Undine archer) and my girlfriend (a Spriggan axe wielder) are en route to the boss raid on a freshly-unlocked floor in New Aincrad when we run into a roadblock in the form of a crowd of players not far from the reported boss room. My girlfriend taps the nearest player, a male Salamander, on the shoulder to get his attention.)_

**GF:**  Hey what's going on?

**Salamander:**  Server glitch. The route's impassable. Apparently a SAO survivor got stuck in there.

**Me:** Holy s***. Is everyone okay?

**Salamander:** Looks like he was force-logged out when the glitch hit, but his party's freaking out.

**Me:** No kidding. I panic enough when one of us gets in the red just from monsters.

**Salamander:** Are you a-?

**Me:** No, but my girlfriend is.  _(beckons to GF)_

_(The Salamander's expression goes sour fast, and he opens up his menu. My GF and I, used to dealing with homophobes IRL, ignore him and start out of the dungeon when we hear running footsteps. Both of us turn around, drawing our weapons, as the Salamander tries to attack; I take a glance across the shoulder, while my GF manages to avoid the attack entirely)_

**Me:** What are you doing!?

**Salamander:** F*** you!

_(He manages to land a stab on my weapon arm before I can get out of the way. Before he can do anything else, my GF speaks up.)_

**GF:** So they did bring that back.

**Salamander:** What the h*** are you talking about!?

**GF:**  Orange player cursors.  _(points above his head)_

_(The Salamander looks up at his (still-yellow, and invisible to its owner what's more) player cursor, leaving him wide open. I quickly draw an arrow and hit him in the back while he's distracted, and my GF slams her mace into his side with a Sword Skill before he can react. Having gotten her SAO skill levels transferred over due to a glitch during the early days of ALO, this spells so much damage, and the Salamander quickly burns away into a Remain Light.)_

**GF:**  ALO is PvP, how do you even fall for that?  _(addressing the Remain Light)_ You know, normal people don't go around trying to kill someone just because they're gay. I hope that's not how you react IRL - otherwise, I have a few numbers to call when I log out.

_(The Remain Light vanishes, and the two of us get back out of the dungeon. So far, that was the only time someone ever attacked us because we're gay! I hope that never happens again!)_


	6. Ballot of Gal(e)s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weapons Shop | Glocken, GGO | Bad Behavior

_(Me and a friend from IRL are members of a mob-hunting squadron. Several bad experiences with PvP squads have led to a policy that we each carry at least one live-ammo weapon; this occurs shortly before the third Bullet of Bullets competition, while the two of us are restocking on ammo at a weapons market. The vendor we're buying at is within view of an 'Untouchable' minigame that involves running towards an NPC gunman; it's widely acknowledged as impossible, but that doesn't stop people from trying with a jackpot of three hundred thousand and some credits.)_

**Me:** Alright, I'm about topped up. You?

**Friend:** Hang on a bit. I think my AmuSphere's lagging. The purchase menu keeps cutting out.

_(I look away to see a player fail at the Untouchable. As he's walking away, I see two female players conversing; one of them is wearing a scarf and seems vaguely familiar, whilst the other is is a lithe girl in what looks like the default outfit for newly-created players. I get my friend's attention as the new player approaches the entry gate.)_

**Scarf girl:** _(trying to stop the new player)_  Hey... Wait a second, you!

**Friend:** Jeez. Newbie desperate for money, huh?

**Me:**  Three mega-credits says she doesn't even get to the quick-draw.

**Friend:** _(opens his menu)_  I don't think I can afford that and be able to restock my ammo if we get ambushed again.

**Me:** You can get me dinner on the other side if you lose.

**Friend:** Alright, deal.

_(We shake hands as the new player sets her hand on the confirmation panel. I notice her take what looks like a fighting stance while the countdown spins; as soon as it finishes, she starts running at the gunman head-on.)_  

**NPC gunman:** I'll kill you!

_(As the gunman fires, the new player manages to hop aside without barely slowing down; her avatar is skinny enough that she has enough room to dodge from side to side. I immediately foresee three million credits fleeing my account as she starts weaving left and right.)_

**NPC gunman:** You loser!

_(The gunman fires again, but the shots pass the new player without hindering her. The scarf girl is shocked as she immediately passes the boundary for the quick-draw, and when my friend starts to speak up I raise a hand to quiet him.)_

**Me:** Shush.

**Previous player:** Ten meters already, for God's sake?

**Onlooker:** Who is that kid?

**NPC gunman:**   _(performing reload animation)_ Die!

_(The shots fly almost without a prediction line, but the new player actually weaves between the individual bullets, shocking everyone present - myself, my friend, and the scarf girl included.)_

**NPC gunman:**   _(repeats reload animation)_ Go to hell!

**New player:**   _(dodges shots with a low skid, then gets to her feet again)_  I bet you're out of bullets now!

_(She's nearly at point-blank range at this point. The gunman turns his revolver forward, and the barrel glows from inside as he sweeps the point immediately before himself with a sequence of laser shots significantly different from any optical weapon available to the players. The new player has leapt into the air as the shots are fired; she flips and lands immediately in front of the gunman, setting a hand on his chest before turning around. The market has gone dead quiet at this point.)_

**NPC gunman:**   _(falls to his knees and grabs his head)_ NOOOO!

_(The doors, windows, and the disc with the jackpot display all burst open, with gold coins spilling out. The inside of the disc, which also has a display, starts counting down for the first time that I'm aware of; once it reaches zero, a message box opens up next to the new player, prompting her to tap a confirmation. The gold disappears, the openings close, and the gunman gets back to his feet, while the new player heads back to the entrance gate as the scarf girl approaches her.)_

**NPC gunman:** Hey, chicken, c'mon.

**Friend:** Well, shit. I kinda want to let you keep your credits.

**Me:** Really?

**Friend:** No, not really.

_(Moral of the story: never underestimate a new player. The next day, scarf girl and her friend tied for first place in the Bullet of Bullets!)_


	7. Raw Gourmet Awkwardness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Traders | Taft, SAO | Rude and Risque, Awesome Workers

_(I'm the trader whose customer was[Bleating about Beaters](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10476549/chapters/23114649). I had recently come across an S-class cooking ingredient, and put it up for sale. With SAO's skill limitations, none of my customers have the cooking skill necessary to avoid turning the ingredient to char - and neither do I. One day, a group of players in Knights of the Blood Oath uniforms - three girls, one guy - step inside as I'm wrapping up a transaction with a customer.)_

**Customer:** Thanks!

 **Me:** Don't mention it.  _(to Knights)_ Here as a group?

 **F Knight #1:** Um.

 **Me:**  As in, are you all paying for the purchase, or did you guys just meet up en route and decide to come together?

 **F Knight #2:**   _(points to M Knight)_ He's here for the purchase. We just came along in case any Red Players got ideas.

 **Me:** Point.

_(The M Knight starts asking for several blacksmith's materials. I have most of what he's looking for, but he seems unusually nervous, which puts me on edge. After we wrap up the transaction...)_

**M Knight:**   _(to F Knights)_ You guys can go, I've got enough to cover this.

 **F Knight #2:** You know the higher-ups are gonna have our a**es if we do that.

 **M Knight:** Oh, come on. It's a two-minute walk through a safe zone from here to the Teleport Gate. Nobody's gonna-

 **F Knight #3:**   _(interrupts)_ Is this about their special stock?

_(I am immediately confused as to what she's talking about; I'm the only one who handles this place, and I have never had anything along the lines of 'special stock'. The M Knight goes bright red as the other girls look at him; F Knight #3 catches my eye and gives me a wink as though to say "play along".)_

**F Knight #1:**  Oh, are you- Okay, we'll wait outside.

_(The three of them step outside as the M Knight turns to me.)_

**M Knight:**   _(whispering)_ Sorry for putting you on the spot there. What do you have for cooking ingredients?

 **Me:** You're kidding me. You think cooking is anything worth being secretive about? 

 **M Knight:**  Well, [F Knight #3] is the only one in the guild who doesn't laugh at a guy for having a maxed-out cooking skill, so...

 **Me:** Maxed out? I have just the thing for you.

_(I sell him the S-class cooking ingredient, along with a few other ingredients. The end total is the biggest profit I've ever made in one transaction (frickin' guild is loaded!) and the M Knight leaves with a smile on his face. After a moment, F Knight #2 steps inside red-faced.)_

**F Knight #2:** About that 'special stock'...


	8. Cut My Heart Out With an Elucidator

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Restaurant | Town of Beginnings, SAO | Love/Romance, Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers

_(I am female, a two-handed sword user, and a hopeless romantic. I'm eating at a player-run restaurant in the Town of Beginnings, about half a year after SAO began. I've partied with the owner (a rapier-wielder) several times, and so she's on my friend list; I'm in the middle of my meal when I get a message notification)_

**Owner's message:**  Please meet me outside in 5min

_(Confused, I wrap up my meal quickly and make my way out. Eventually, the owner comes out with an ecstatic look on her face, with her rapier equipped)_

**Owner:** Hey, I need your help for something.

**Me:** What's this about?

**Owner:**   _(pointing inside)_ You see those two at the table on the left?

_(The two in question are a male and female player, eating quietly)_

**Me:**  Yeah, what about them?

**Owner:**  Apparently, they were dating IRL when SAO started. He wants me to help with a proposal.

**Me:** _(resisting the urge to squee)_ Okay, what can I do for you?

_(The owner angled her rapier so the hilt isn't blocking it, revealing there's a ring hooked on her blade)_

**Owner:**  He had a smith somewhere make this. How much experience do you have with safe-zone fights?

**Me:** I've never gotten into a fight in a safe zone without a duel. How does that even work?

**Owner:**   _(starts clicking through her menu)_  The physics engine is still running, you just can't deal HP damage. Don't go for my head, act like I've gotten on your bad side.  _(she taps an item on her menu, causing a key to materialize in her hand, which she hands to me)_ Knock me inside and lock the door behind you. I'm gonna try to fling the ring towards him when they try to get out.

**Me:**   _(taking the key)_  I can try.

_(I quickly equip the weakest weapon in my inventory and draw it; she starts acting panicked, opening the door in a hurry, and I hit her in the back as soon as it's open enough. She flies across the room and slams into the counter, and the couple panics as the "Immortal Object" notice opens up. I step inside, closing the door and tapping her key against the doorknob to lock it)_

**Me:** You still wanna try to rip me off?

**Owner:** What do you think you can do to me?

**Me:**   _(thinking on my feet)_ I can't hurt you... but I reckon something as well-thought out as SAO will let me knock you out.

_(I start forward, gripping my sword in both hands. To my surprise, however, the girl steps in my way, tapping through her menu, and a knife appears holstered on her hip)_

**Girl:** Don't you dare!

**Boy:** [Girl], don't fight her! Just run!

**Me:**   _(ominous voice)_ Listen to your man, lady. I have no quarrel with you.

**Owner:** I'm fine! Get out of here!

_(The girl grits her teeth, but chases after the boy as he tries to open the door. Of course, the door being locked, he doesn't get anything, and he steps back in a panic.)_

**Boy:** Huh?

**Girl:** It's locked!?

_(She starts pounding on the door as I step towards the owner again; she quickly mouths 'block' before carefully drawing her rapier and charging forward. I hold my sword before me as she does an overhead swing that flings the ring over my head, and I watch as it tumbles through the air, landing in the boy's hand. The girl has at this point turned around, and he promptly falls to one knee and holds out the ring.)_

**Boy:** [Girl], will you marry me?

_(The owner and I sheathe our weapons and open our menus as the girl gasps, hands slapping over her mouth.)_

**Girl:** What...? How did...?! Were you...!?

**Me:** Pretty much.

_(The girl slaps her boyfriend hard enough to knock him to the floor. He hasn't even stopped moving before she drops down and hugs him, crying joyfully. SAO's marriage system is pretty low-key, but there's nothing stopping the proposals from being as awesome as any!)_


	9. No Shirt, No Shoes, No Swordplay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Overhearing | Town of Beginnings, SAO | Extra Stupid, Rude & Risque

_(Overheard during the beta test of SAO)_

**Player 1:**  Don't try to B.S. me, there's no way Kayaba would let you do that.

 **Player 2:** Tell that to the guy who walked out of the inn with his dagger out.


End file.
